


Not Damaged

by DarnItTumbleweed



Series: Crush Series: Jimmy Palmer X Reader [5]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29373165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarnItTumbleweed/pseuds/DarnItTumbleweed
Summary: Part Six of the Crush Series. A girls night with Abby takes a surprising turn and Y/N is forced to face some painful memories and realizations about herself. Y/N decides it's finally time to share these memories with Jimmy.
Relationships: Jimmy Palmer/Reader
Series: Crush Series: Jimmy Palmer X Reader [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2119974
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Not Damaged

Y/N hated to admit the overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt that washed over her as Abby pointed out that it had been a long while since they’d actually hung out one on one. Y/N could admit that Abby and she had often hung out before Y/N and Jimmy had become a couple. They’d actually spent almost every weekend together before Y/N and Jimmy had begun dating.

Y/N couldn’t help but to think she’d turned into that horrible stereotype of the friend who ditched her friends the second she found a boyfriend. Of course, Abby hadn’t given Y/N any inclination that she had felt abandoned…but Y/N still couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt.

Maybe the guilt was just because Y/N knew she didn’t exactly have the best track record for maintaining friendships in the past. Lord knows she’d lost close friendships before due to her romantic partners and her own tendency to bow to the pressure of boyfriend’s attempts to push her friends out. 

She wanted to make the excuse that she had just been so young and so desperate for love that she’d been trying to burn her candle at both ends and attempt to please both her boyfriends and her friends…but she knew the truth. She’d allowed her past boyfriends to pressure her into dropping friendships and she’d been so desperate to please them that she’d given in.

A little insecure voice in the back of her brain told her that she was repeating history with Abby. Of course, the more sensible part of her brain knew that this situation was quite different from any of the situations she was comparing it to. Abby was Jimmy’s friend too…he was her friend long before Y/N had even met either of them. Y/N wasn’t the same girl she’d been once been. Jimmy wasn’t pressuring her to drop any friendships. 

They’d just been so caught up in one another that other relationships had kind of been kicked to the backburner. Maybe it was just that they were in the honeymoon stage of their relationship?

Still, a sense of guilt hung over Y/N like a dark cloud. So, when Abby had brought up the idea of having a girls night that night, Y/N had eagerly agreed. 

Of course now that she’d agreed to doing a girls night she had to break the news to Jimmy. That insecure little voice in the back of her brain had piped up again telling her that he wouldn’t like her going out without him. Her exes had always had that reaction when she wanted to go out with friends without them. 

She cringed at the voice and the sense of fear that hit her. Why was she like this? Jimmy had never done one single thing to give her any indication that he would have that reaction. Was she really that screwed up that her first thought was that he’d behave like all the other men she had dated? 

She did her best to shush the insecure little voice in the back of her brain as she took the elevator down to Autopsy a paper takeout bag clutched in her hands.

Jimmy had been forced to work through his usual lunch break thanks to the task of taking inventory that Dr. Mallard and he had been putting off for far too long now. The day they’d been dreading had finally come. Things were slow enough that they had no choice but to tackle inventory. 

Y/N had decided to at least grab her boyfriend something to eat while she was on her own lunch break. Even if he couldn’t eat it right this second then he’d at least have something to eat when he had the chance. She had a feeling if she left him to his own devices he’d either wait far too long to eat or he’d just grab something from the vending machine that wouldn’t really be the best choice on the planet.

She entered Autopsy, the doors sliding open, she was relieved to see that Dr. Mallard was nowhere in sight and Jimmy was sitting back at the desk taking a break from the piles of inventory around the room. The poor guy genuinely looked overwhelmed. 

At least she hadn’t interrupted them right in the middle of taking inventory.

The sight of Y/N did seem to lift Jimmy’s mood judging by the smile that crossed his lips at the sight of her.

She chuckled as he eagerly opened his arms to her hinting at exactly what he wanted. 

She approached him, dropping the takeout bag on the desk as he embraced her, his arms encircling her waist. He didn’t bother getting up from the deskchair as he embraced her burying his head against her breasts, a low happy hum leaving him. 

She ran her fingers through his hair another laugh leaving her as he nuzzled her chest another low content hum leaving him. She spoke as he continued to nuzzle her. “Could you not motorboat me in Autopsy please?”

He snorted against her, his laughter muffled as he kept his face pressed against her. She rolled her eyes, her fingers still toying with his curls. “Laugh it up, it’s all fun and games until Dr. Mallard walks in on us.”

She spoke again not helping but to point out the obvious. “You know, I’m pretty sure one of the things we agreed to when we signed all that paperwork with HR, on Monday, was that we wouldn’t get this cuddly at work. I’m pretty sure this constitutes as unprofessional behavior for the workplace.”

Jimmy gazed up at her distinctly remembering the awkward meeting they’d had with HR early this week. He guessed after all that had happened recently it had been pretty clear to everyone at NCIS that they were a couple. The director had suggested they stop by HR to fill out some paperwork. It was all just meant to cover their bases and protect everyone’s best interests. It wasn’t a big deal really. HR just wanted to assess the situation and verify that there was no problem. HR wanted to be sure they understood that if their relationship ended and it created a hostile work environment then one of them would be fired. There had been a few questions about how long they’d been dating and if there was an foreseen situation that could be created by their relationship that could jeopardize any of the cases NCIS worked…so yes, pretty awkward. It had been necessary though and they’d been reassured that their relationship wasn’t a problem as long as they kept things professional at work.

Jimmy pulled his face from her slightly as he spoke. “What Dr. Mallard and Human Resources don’t know won’t hurt them. Last time I checked it was just you and me here. We’re the only ones with a pulse down here. If Helen from HR walks into Autopsy we’ve probably got bigger issues than us breaking a few rules.’’

Y/N rolled her eyes at this though she made no move to step away from him. “You’re incorrigible. Just, absolutely hopeless.” 

Jimmy let out a soft sigh as he buried his face back against her breasts taking in the soft scent of her perfume and the soft fabric of her sweater. “Am not. I can’t help it. I’m just happy to see you. My morning has been a nightmare. It sounds awful to say it outloud, but I keep hoping that there will be a body pick up soon. I’d rather deal with that than all this inventory.”

She gave him a sympathetic smile nodding down to the takeout bag. “I’m sorry. I know Ducky and you have been dreading this for a while. I did bring you some lunch at least. I just got a sandwich and a salad, that way you don’t have to worry about reheating anything.”

Jimmy gave her a grateful smile hating to admit he’d kind of forgotten about lunch. He’d gotten caught up working and had completely shoved back the need to eat, even when Dr. Mallard had finally left to take his own lunch break. Jimmy knew skipping a meal wasn’t exactly a smart plan, given the fact that he had a mild touch of diabetes since high school and his blood sugar could plummet if he forgot to eat at least a snack in the afternoon.

He spoke, not helping but to sink further into her embrace, her fingers continuing to massage his scalp as she toyed with his hair. “Thank you. I don’t think I’ll be able to actually eat it for a while though. I’m supposed to take a break when Dr. Mallard gets back from lunch, but I just want to get through this inventory as fast as possible. I feel like it’s never going to end.”

She gave him another sympathetic smile unable to keep herself from scolding him just the slightest bit. “Take your break and eat Jimmy. The workload won’t care if you stop to take care of yourself.”

He let out a small sigh not shocked by this comment. He knew she was right of course. He couldn’t help it, he’d always been the type to take on far too much work than he could really manage. It was one of his worst flaws.

Y/N bit the inside of her cheek debating the best way to bring up the real reason she’d come down to Autopsy. 

A small part of her feared that Jimmy might have already made plans for them tonight. They may have settled into a domestic routine, but he still made attempts to at least romance her a little with date nights on Fridays or during the weekend.

Last weekend he’d taken her to some sort of sip and paint class that he’d been excited about. The basic idea was that you could have some drinks and take a painting class. It had been unexpected but still fun though Y/N hadn’t really drank more than one glass of wine. She personally thought her painting was a little bit of a disaster even though Jimmy insisted he loved it. It had been a pretty creative idea for a date and been a lot of fun. She’d been a little surprised to discover that her boyfriend actually had an interest in art not to mention a talent for it. His painting had been far better than hers. She had a feeling this wasn’t his first time painting. 

She took a deep breath just deciding to bite the bullet and say it. She ignored the voice in the back of her brain telling her this would turn out just like any other time she’d mentioned to a boyfriend that she was going out with friends. “I hope you didn’t have any plans for us tonight. Abby wants me to do a girls night with her. I agreed to it before I thought to ask you if you had plans for us. I just, I figured it’s been a long time since I’ve hung out with her. I haven’t really hung out with her since that Halloween party I went to with her back in October.”

She suddenly felt extremely stupid for even letting that insecure voice in the back of her head work her up this much as Jimmy spoke shooting her a look of relief. “I didn’t have plans for us tonight. I thought we might try to do something tomorrow. This actually works out perfectly. I was going to break the news to you that Dr. Mallard is probably going to keep me here late tonight so we can finish up inventory. I was kind of worried you’d try to stick around with me after work and be forced to either watch us suffer or get roped into helping by Dr. Mallard. You should go out and have fun. One of us should have a good night at least.”

She let out a breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding at the realization that he genuinely seemed just fine with her plans. He didn’t even blink twice at the idea of her going out without him. 

How had she ever convinced herself he’d react any differently?

If he spotted any indication of the thoughts running through her head he didn’t bring it up as he spoke again. “We can just meet up later tonight. You have the spare key I gave you to my apartment right?”

She nodded her head remembering the key in her purse. They’d recently exchanged keys to one another’s places. It made sense given all the time they spent together. They still slept over at one another’s places every single night after all. 

“Yeah, I’ve got the key. That sounds great. If I beat you home I can just let myself in.” She remarked her brain was still going a mile a second.

How had she been so worried that his reaction would be something horrible? Jimmy was the most positive man she’d ever met. He was far too sweet to behave like a jackass just because she wanted to hang out with a friend. She had never had any indication from him that he would be upset because she wanted to go out without him. Why did her brain try to convince her he was anything other than the positive wonderful person he was?

She didn’t have a chance to continue the conversation as the doors to Autopsy hissed open and Dr. Mallard returned from his lunch break.

He gazed upon the young couple a heavy sigh leaving him his eyes rolling ever so slightly at their embrace. “Mr. Palmer as much as I am an avid supporter of young love, do you really think that Autopsy is the best place to canoodle with Y/N?”

Jimmy reluctantly let go of Y/N his cheeks flushing. He ignored the look Y/N gave him indicating that she was right on the money with her statement earlier. Cuddling in Autopsy was all good and fun until Dr. Mallard came back and saw it.

Jimmy spoke scooting back in the desk chair counting his blessings that at least Dr. Mallard hadn’t heard the joke about motorboating or his comment about Dr. Mallard not being upset if he didn’t know about what they did in Autopsy if he wasn’t here to see it. “I’m sorry Dr. Mallard. It won’t happen again…or I mean it will happen again, it just won’t uh, that came out wrong, I’m not that I’m saying we won’t be affectionate again in other places. I’m just saying that it won’t happen again here at least it won’t happen during work hours.”

Y/N shook her head far more graceful than her flustered boyfriend. “Sorry Ducky, I was just about to head out. I was just bringing by some lunch for Jimmy. I should get back to the lab. I told Abby I wouldn’t be gone long.”

She shot them a quick goodbye scrambling from the room trying to hold back her chuckle as she overheard Dr. Mallard speak to Jimmy. “Really Mr. Palmer? I am afraid to know what you planned on doing if I’d taken a longer lunch?”

She bit her cheek failing slightly to hold back her laughter as Jimmy spoke making a weak attempt to defend himself. “I didn’t think you’d be back from lunch so quick…not that that’s an excuse. I didn’t plan anything, it just happened. That came out wrong. I should stop talking.”

…………………………………………………………….

Y/N was relieved that Abby’s plans for Girls Night were far less hectic than her plans had been the last time they’d hung out together.

Y/N could still remember that Hallween party they’d attended which was shocking given how much she’d drank. She cringed at the memory of what had happened. The Halloween party had been at a cemetery which somehow seemed so appropriate for the crowd Abby hung around with. Y/N hadn’t exactly fit in with Abby’s friends, but she’d taken the chance to at least attempt to have a good time. Though she’d found the scene a little intense. The music had been loud and it had been cold outside and the Halloween costume she’d worn wasn’t keeping her warm enough. The cute little fairy costume had looked so cute and she’d felt pretty sexy at the beginning of the night, but now she was regretting her choices. Even though she’d ditched the fairy wings for her coat she was still freezing. Y/N had drank far too much and had wound up leaning against a rather massive headstone silently questioning exactly how her life had come to this point. 

She had never been a big drinker so the booze had hit hard and she’d felt her brain getting a little too existential. She could distinctly remember the wave of nausea that had hit her and the panic that she felt like she began to think about the fact that she was about to vomit in a cemetery probably near someone’s final resting place. That was probably a one way ticket to hell. Then the panic had set in that this entire party was probably already a one way ticket to hell. 

Who thought it was an okay idea to have a party in a cemetery? This seemed so wrong and so disrespectful. Sure it was a super old section of the cemetery and from what Y/N had gathered they were only doing this because Abby’s friend worked as a night caretaker here…but still this whole idea just seemed like it was bound to build up so much bad karma. If there was such a thing as ghosts then Y/N knew she’d probably be haunted by the worst vengeful spirits for this and she’d deserve it. 

Abby had seemed to sense that Y/N had been spiraling and had spent the night taking care of her. It wasn’t Y/N’s proudest moment. 

Y/N had a feeling that given what had happened last time they’d hung out, Abby had probably decided to keep things tonight very relaxing, just some dinner and seeing where the night took them.

Y/N had distinctly made a wise choice to avoid alcohol tonight. She’d learned her lesson last time. Her tolerance for alcohol was apparently non-existent. 

She had never been a big drinker at all to be honest. Even when she’d been a teenager and a college student her wild partying days had consisted more of shitty weed and only an occasional sip of beer. So yeah, she was the definition of a lightweight. 

She took a sip of her soda as Abby and she overlooked their menus Y/N relieved Abby had swung by her apartment so she could change before their night out.

Y/N had been driven to work once again by Jimmy this morning and just as he’d suspected he was being kept late in Autopsy by Ducky. He’d texted her earlier notifying her that Ducky was extra grouchy now that he’d walked in on them earlier today. The inventory had already put him in a bad mood so his tolerance was a little short.

Y/N spoke unable to stop herself from saying it that cloud of shame still hovering over her. “I’m sorry it’s been so long since we’ve actually hung out. I know I’ve been kind of dropping the ball in favor of spending time with Jimmy.”

“He’s your boyfriend Y/N, I’m not going to be upset because you want to spend time with him. Trust me, I think I spent enough time hassling you about the fact that he was into you to be upset that you’re spending time with him.” Abby was fast to reassure her, a small frown crossing her features. She had no idea where the need to apologize had come from. Y/N hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was something troubling Abby had maybe noticed about her lab assistant turned friend. Y/N seemed at times as though she apologized for everything whether it was her fault or not. The smallest mistakes seemed to hang over her head and she apologized for things that seemed so miniscule.

Abby could admit that the behavior had struck a sympathetic cord in her heart. She had a feeling just where Y/N’s behaviors came from. It seemed that Y/N had been conditioned by her boyfriends and possibly her friends even to apologize for every little thing even if it was something so minor that didn’t really warrant an apology. Once Abby had realized a little bit more about Y/N’s past she’d only begun to believe that this was the reality of the situation. Abby had made it her mission to be there for Y/N. The woman seemed like she needed a genuine friend. 

Y/N cleared her throat still feeling the need to apologize. “I know, I just… I feel like I’ve been the worst friend lately. I really feel like I’ve just neglected our friendship. You’ve been such a good friend to me and it feels like I just dropped you when Jimmy and I got together. I never intended to let it happen. I mean, you’re honestly the only friend I think I’ve managed to make since I moved here. I feel like I haven’t really behaved in a way that reflects that.”

Abby frowned the words leaving her before she could stop them. “I thought you lived here for like three months before you even started working at NCIS?”

Y/N cleared her throat, her cheeks flushing, she feeling a little pathetic to admit it. “I did…the move was kind of spontaneous. I didn’t really have much of a plan after I finished my degree. I didn’t really want to stick around the same city I went to college in…and I didn’t want to move back to my hometown. There was nothing for me in either place. I spent a lot of time looking at different cities and I fell in love with the area. This area is so different from the south and I just loved the scenery I saw. I didn’t have a plan at all when I moved. I only applied at NCIS on a whim thinking it’d never work out. I worked at a waitressing gig to bring in an income while I searched for a job. I spent a lot of time working to be honest. I pretty much worked or slept and any freetime was spent job hunting. I didn’t have much of a social life.”

She paused, clearing her throat again and taking another drink before she spoke hating to admit it outloud. “It sounds so pathetic, but I’ve always had a hard time making friends. I had a few friends in college but the guy I was dating at the time…he wasn’t…he wasn’t a nice guy and he kind of isolated me from most of my friendships. I wasn’t even great at having friendships before that though. I mean, my hometown is so tiny and everyone knew just what my family did for a living. Other kids were kind of freaked out by it. Everyone knew that I lived in a funeral home. We’re one of only two funeral homes in the entire town. My hometown is super small. My ancestors have been undertakers for as long as anyone remembers. I’m pretty sure they were undertaking even back when people still held funerals in their homes. So, yeah everyone knows what the family does. People were usually pretty respectful of course, my grandparents are really respected in the community. But kids will be kids. I think I can distinctly remember being in the sixth grade and having this girl hate my guts because she remembered that my grandparents house had been where she went for her dad’s funeral. She kind of pitted the other kids against me and made sure I was excluded from sleepovers and birthday parties. So, yeah…most of my peers growing up wound up following me on from elementary school and up. Like I said it’s a tiny town, so we all pretty much grew up together. So, most of the time I was pretty isolated. I learned to be comfortable being alone.”

She paused taking a deep breath almost sure she sounded so pathetic. She was basically admitting Abby was her only friend in the entire world. 

She was surprised by the understanding nod Abby gave her so quick to provide reassurance. “You aren’t pathetic. I’m sorry. You’re right kids can suck sometimes.”

Y/N cleared her throat once again giving Abby a thankful smile.

Abby spoke it her turn to apologize. “I wasn’t very nice to you when you first became my assistant. I never apologized for being so terrible.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I was encroaching on your space. You didn’t know you were getting an assistant. No one told you about me until I arrived for my first day of work. I can understand why you reacted so badly. I can understand why you were so annoyed.” Y/N replied cringing at the memory of how Abby had seemed to hate her guts when she’d first been hired. It had been clear that Abby didn’t want her around.

Abby shook her head, the words falling from her. “It’s not an excuse. I was awful. I barely let you do anything when you were first hired. I was just feeling really wary of it all. I mean the last assistant the director hired for me was a total psychopath who tried to frame Tony for murder. So I was really hesitant to take on another assistant.”

Y/N widened her eyes at this information and Abby was fast to speak again. “Trust me, you don’t want to know the whole story.”

She spoke again before Y/N had a chance to press for information. “So, if anything I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I was really awful. I was just so freaked out by having an assistant. I thought the director was implying I wasn’t good enough at my job to manage it all alone and I was still so uncomfortable with my last experience having an assistant. I really took it out on you at first. I feel terrible about it. I was hoping if I was awful enough then you’d quit. You were always so nice to me though, even when I was terrible. I kind of had to realize that you weren’t so bad after all and you weren’t there to replace me. You had every right to be just as cold to me as I was to you. You didn’t though and I respected that.”

She paused their conversation, stopping for a brief moment as they ordered their meal.

Abby didn’t speak again until after the waiter had left with their order. “I really appreciate having you there to help me. I know you feel kind of insecure about your abilities in the lab sometimes, but you’re doing great. I’m glad you didn’t get sick of me being so terrible that you called it quits.”

She paused a small smile crossing her lips unable to stop herself from saying it. “Besides it turns out if I’d succeeded in making you quit then I may have been standing in the way of love. That would have been terrible karma.”

Y/N felt her cheeks flush at the comment knowing full well what she meant by it. 

Y/N spoke a heavy sigh leaving her, her cheeks still flushed. “I had a feeling this conversation would come up. I guess I’ve avoided sharing all the details long enough. What do you want to know?”

Abby leaned in all too eager to get the information she was hinting at. “I want to know everything. You can’t expect me not to be this invested in it. I spent a little over a month hassling you about Jimmy’s big old fat crush on you only to listen to you deny it over and over again. I have questions about what happened. Because last thing I heard you were still insisting you barely interacted with each other and that there was nothing there, and then a few weeks later he’s punching a guy over you and you’re announcing that you’re in a relationship. How long was it going on? Were you already together when I started harassing you about him being into you? When did it happen and how? Did he confess his feelings for you first or did you do it?”

Y/N sighed not surprised by the amount of questions. She had a feeling all the caf pows Abby had drank today added in with the red bull she’d had at Y/N’s apartment had probably fueled Abby’s brain to jump a million different directions in her line of questioning.

“No we weren’t together when you hassled me about him. We didn’t get together until that night we had that really bad snowstorm blow in back in November. My car was still in the shop. You couldn’t give me a ride home and you had me stop by Autopsy to drop that evidence off with Ducky. I made a casual comment about dreading having to wait for a taxi in the weather and Ducky kind of volunteered Jimmy to give me a ride home because he insisted it wouldn’t be out of his way…turns out Jimmy and I only live a few blocks away from each other.”

Abby spoke interrupting Y/N far too excited by this information. “Yes, I knew Ducky was totally pro Jimmy and you. I knew he’d find a way to make it work.”

Y/N rolled her eyes at this comment though she couldn’t stop the hint of a smile on her lips. “Yes, I’m already well aware that you two have been conspiring against Jimmy and me for a while now. As I was saying before I was interrupted, Jimmy gave me a ride home that night…we started making small talk and the whole disaster of a date I went on with Tony’s friend came up.”

Abby spoke again once again interrupting Y/N. “Ugh yeah I remember telling me about that, that creep that you said gawked at your boobs all night?”

Y/N shook her head as she spoke again. “Yes, can I tell the story or do you have anything more to add in?”

Abby smiled not at all minding Y/N’s frustration. “Nope, continue please.”

“Well, I kind of vented about it to Jimmy…I basically unloaded it all on the poor guy. I kind of let it all out and I brought up the fact that I’m apparently incapable of attracting nice guys. I apoligzed once it hit me I was pouring it all on him. The rest of the ride home was pretty awkward. I thought he must think I’m some kind of overdramatic nutball dropping all my horrible luck with romance on his lap so unprompted. It wasn’t until we got to my apartment and I was about to leave that he stopped me. He admitted he’d overheard you and I talking that day about my date and my insecurities…he heard us talking about him. It was mortifying to know he heard everything. I wanted to be pissed off at him for it, but he’d dropped the bomb on me that I might think I was incapable of finding a nice guy, but he wanted to be the nice guy. I was pretty resistant to it. I just, I was still so convinced that I wasn’t worth the trouble. He wouldn’t let it go though. He laid it all out on the table…he was so sincere. I’ve never had anyone sound so sure of wanting me before. So I did the only thing I could think to do.”

She paused not shocked that Abby leaned in all the closer proving that she was just as overly invested in this as she’d stated. Y/N felt her cheeks flush as she admitted it. “I kissed him. I decided to just go for it. I knew that if I gave into my fears and rejected him then I’d regret it. We weren’t trying to keep things between us a secret. It just wasn’t something that came up until he got into that fight trying to defend me. It all just came out.”

Y/N shifted in place unable to stop the words from leaving her despite her desire to keep it all in. “I still think he’s going to wake up one day and it’ll hit him he’s made a terrible mistake in wanting me.”

“What, why would he think that?” Abby exclaimed her voice raising enough that they caught the attention of a few nearby patrons.

Thankfully the attention didn’t last long Y/N clearing her throat her stomach in knots once she realized the mess she’d gotten herself into. Why was her mouth so massive? She’d dug her grave now and there was no escaping it. Abby wouldn’t let her drop this.

She spoke thinking back to the conversation she’d had with Ducky weeks before. Jimmy already had a sense of exactly how she felt, she might as well spill her guts to someone before she worked up the nerve to spill them to him. “I know I’ve kind of talked a little about the guys I’ve dated. I mean there haven’t been many. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was in my final year of high school. His name was Tyler. Tyler pretty much cheated on me every chance he got. He was more experienced than me, and I think he liked it that way. He saw it as a challenge. It wasn’t the best introduction to love…I mean Tyler was my first everything and he pretty much showed me it didn’t mean anything to him. I was crushed when I found out he was cheating on me. The last boyfriend I had , Sean, was still hung up on his ex. Sean pretty much settled on me because I was convenient and I knew it. I told myself that it wasn’t ideal, but I had entered the relationship in a bad state of mind and I was desperate to be accepted. It was my final year of college and I had already lost so many friends. I just wanted to cling to someone. Sean wasn’t invested at all and he pretty much tried to mold me into being exactly like his ex. I let him do it even though I knew it wasn’t rational.”

Y/N paused shaking her head hating to admit just how needy and desperate for love she’d been. “I just , I let myself be unhappy with Sean because I thought it was better to have someone and be unhappy than it was to be alone and unhappy. He never really appreciated me. I did love Sean even if he didn’t love me. He pretty much repaid my devotion to him by dumping me the second he realized he could have a second shot with his ex girlfriend. I should have seen it coming. I was already pretty damaged when I started dating him. The boyfriend I had between Tyler and Sean wasn’t a nice guy. He was the one I mentioned earlier…the one who pushed all my friends away. It was another case of me just being so desperate for love. Conner was nice at first. I thought I was so lucky you know? I had finally left my miserable little hometown and had a fresh start out of state in college. I was all about discovering myself and getting a fresh start. Conner was really charming at first. He was the total opposite of me, a real extravert. He got into a lot of trouble to honest. He was kind of bad boy, you know the type?”

Y/N felt her stomach churn avoiding Abby’s gaze as she stared down at the table and continued. “I didn’t see that he had a dark side until it was too late. It started with little things, he was jealous when he thought he saw other guys checking me out…and then he got weird about my friends. He would accuse me of cheating on him all the time. When I’d get mad about it he’d just get defensive and would basically tell me some sob story about how all his exes had cheated on him and his mom was a terrible person who mistreated him. He’d point out how crappy my dad was and would tell me I should relate to him and feel some empathy. He’d make me feel bad for him. He’d try to tell me he was only so possessive because he cared about me. He told me that if he didn’t love me as much as he did then he wouldn’t get so upset with me. He got really weird about how I looked, how I presented myself. I remember I was going to get a tattoo. I had booked an artist and planned it all out, but then Conner told me that the design was unattractive and I was stupid for wanting it. He sucked out all the enthusiasm I had about it. He didn’t even care about what it meant to me. After a while it was just easier to do what he wanted. I didn’t get my tattoo. I started covering up my body because he didn’t like it when guys looked at my chest. I started to ignore my friends and let him have his way. By the time he started to lash out at me physically there was no one there to see it. The first time it happened I found him stealing cash out of my purse. He backhanded me for it. He apologized right after it happened. Swore it would never happen again. It kept happening. It was the cycle you know he’d lash out, beat me pretty badly, apologize, rinse and repeat. It wasn’t until we went to visit my family that I had a wake up call. They could see it. My older brother talked some sense into me, got me to see that if I stuck with Conner I’d wind up dead. I found enough strength to leave him. My brother pretty much drove me back to my campus himself, helped me file a restraining order, made me swear it was over. Made me swear to him that I wouldn’t go back to Conner. Told me he’d never forgive me if I did it. Told me that no matter what Conner said, he wouldn’t change. It really screwed with my head…I think that’s why I started dating Sean after that. He saw that I was a mess. He figured I’d at least keep him company until his ex wanted him back. After I graduated I wanted to get the hell out of that town and everything that happened there. I couldn’t go home either. That wasn’t an option. So I thought I’d get a fresh start.”

Y/N paused still unable to meet Abby’s eyes. “I know rationally that it could happen to anyone. I still feel so ashamed though. Jimmy doesn’t know any of the details. He knows only a little bit about what happened with Sean. I think he has some idea that there’s more to it. I haven’t found a way to tell him everything. To be honest I’m afraid if he knows it all then he’s just going to see me the way I see myself sometimes, and he won’t want me anymore.”

Abby furrowed her brow taking Y/N by shock as she reached across the table grasping her hand with hers. “How do you see yourself?”

Y/N felt the shame wash over her as she dared to meet Abby’s eyes. “I’m pathetic…weak. I let every man I meet treat me like trash and I don’t have the spine to stand up for myself. I let people treat me like I’m worthless because I feel worthless more often than not. I let guys cheat on me, I let them lie, I let them use me and abuse me and I didn’t even have the willpower to leave until my brother forced me to do it. If my brother didn’t step in I’d still be with Conner letting him treat me like garbage. I still feel so scared sometimes. Just earlier today when I went to see Jimmy I was almost afraid to tell him I had plans with you tonight. This stupid little voice in the back of my head tells me he’s going to flip a switch and be just like everyone else.”

Abby was fast to speak so insistent. “He wouldn’t do that Y/N.”

“I know it, rationally I know it. I think my brain is just so broken. I’m damaged goods and I’m afraid that if Jimmy figures out just how damaged I am he’d going to run.” Y/N insisted.

“You aren’t damaged, you aren’t worthless or pathetic. You’re not weak at all. You had to be strong to survive everything that happened. You aren’t damaged. You have to stop seeing yourself like that. You’re one of my favorite people, okay. You’re one of my best friends. I think I’ve gotten to know you pretty well in the past few months and I don’t agree with anything you just said about yourself. I don’t think Jimmy would ever agree with any of it either, not even for a second. He wouldn’t run away from you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the man is in love with you and has been from the start. If anything, if he knows everything you told me, I think he’s going to love you even more. You can’t keep this from him Y/N. It’ll eat away at you eventually.” Abby insisted her thumb rubbing Y/N’s hand soothingly.

Y/N sighed the words spilling from her. “I don’t know how to tell him?”

Abby was so fast to speak so sure of her words. “You just have to trust him. Just tell him what you told me. He won’t react the way you’re afraid he will. He loves you. Trust me, just talk to him. Tell him everything. He isn’t going anywhere. If he does then I’ll murder him. I am the only person we know who can commit a murder and leave no forensic evidence behind.” 

They sat in silence for a moment, Y/N taking in Abby’s words. She knew Abby was right. 

Abby spoke again finally breaking the silence, an idea hitting her. “You said you wanted a tattoo but you never got it?”

Y/N frowned, nodding her head a bit thrown off by the shift in conversation.

Abby gave her a wide all too eager smile. “I have an idea.”

………………………………………………………

Y/N shook her head as Abby shoved a plastic bag full of all the supplies Y/N would need for the new ink on her left wrist. Abby was quick to speak telling her the same information she’d told her more than once tonight. “Remember all the aftercare instructions. You should be good to take the bandage off in an hour or so. It’s been a few hours now, so you’ll be fine. Don’t replace the bandage though, it’s gotta breathe. No baths for like three weeks. You can’t submerge it in water. Only use hypoallergenic soap and just pat it dry, no wiping when drying. Keep using the ointment. You gotta keep it moist. Keep your hands clean before touching it. Avoid sunlight or it’s gonna fade. Whatever you do, don’t pick at it. It’s going to scab but you have to ignore it. Take benadryl if it starts itching. Just be careful and call me if anything comes up or you have any questions.”

Y/N nodded her head a little overwhelmed by all the information. Thank god Abby’s tattoo artist had given her paperwork with it all written out. 

She was still stunned she’d gotten it done all in one night. Apparently Abby’s tattoo artist owed Abby a favor and Abby was cashing in that favor with Y/N. 

Y/N had never imagined that this was where the night would take her. 

It was hard to believe that something she’d wanted for so long was finally here. She’d long ago given up hope of it ever happening. When Conner had ruined it for her she’d told herself that it wasn’t meant to be.

She couldn’t help but to want to keep staring at it almost convinced it wasn’t really there. 

She couldn’t help but to see it as meaning far more than its original purpose. She already had a reason for choosing this design, but now the meaning went far beyond her original intention. 

She had to see the tattoo as a symbol of her moving forward. Abby was right. She wasn’t damaged. This was a reminder to herself that she wasn’t damaged. She was ready to stop seeing herself that way. She knew it wouldn’t happen over night. It would take time and work and she might fall a few times along the way. She had to let go though. 

She had to stop being afraid and tell Jimmy everything. She had to stop feeling ashamed.

It was time to stop making herself feel bad for something that wasn’t her fault. 

The tattoo was a sign that she was going to let go of the past. It was a sign she was going to allow herself to be happy. She deserved to be happy. She was worthy of being happy.

She gave Abby a hug not shocked that Abby hugged back enthusiastically insisting she loved Y/N as Y/N left her car and made her way up to Jimmy’s apartment.

She was surprised to find that the front door was unlocked though the living area was dark. Jimmy must have already gone to bed.

She locked the door behind her before she hung her purse and her coat up on the coatrack. She managed to move through the room in the dark familiar enough with the layout of Jimmy’s apartment by now to manage in the dark.

She was surprised to find that though Jimmy had gone to bed he was wide awake sitting up in bed reading apparently waiting up for her. He looked up from his book giving her a cheerful smile. “I was beginning to think Abby was going to keep you out all night.”

She spoke shaking her head as she dropped the bag of supplies Abby had given her on Jimmy’s dresser and began to take her shoes off. “I didn’t think we’d be out so late.”

She began to search through Jimmy’s drawers as she undressed tossing her dirty laundry into the hamper. She spoke all too aware of him watching her as she slid on a fresh pair of panties. “I can feel you staring at my ass.”

“Not going to deny it.” Jimmy replied trying to tell himself he was only admiring his girlfriend’s nude form as she changed and there was no shame in it. 

He felt the genuine smile cross his lips as she found what she was looking for, finding an old shirt at the bottom of his dresser. It was a comically large Georgetown University t-shirt. His grandmother had bought it for him when he’d first gotten accepted into Georgetown way back when he was eighteen. Nana Palmer had meant well, but the shirt was way too massive for Jimmy. It had long sat at the bottom of his dresser forgotten until Y/N had claimed it as hers. It was ridiculously large on Y/N. Jimmy had a distinct feeling his grandmother hadn’t bought the shirt with this intention, but he wasn’t complaining.

Seeing her in his t-shirts, even one he never wore, was a huge ego boost. There was something kind of sexy about it really. It caused an almost possessive sense of lust to wash over him. She was wearing his shirt. He was the only one who got to see this. She didn’t wear any other men’s shirts, but his. She was all his. 

She ignored the somewhat smug smile on his lips as she took her jewelry off depositing it on the dresser before she went to the bathroom to wash her make up off and finish readying herself for bed.

Jimmy deposited his book on the bedside table shifting in place knowing it was obvious he was waiting for her even if he tried to look casual.

He didn’t have to wait for long before she returned to the room her face clean and her teeth brushed.

She dropped down into bed beside him taking him by shock as she moved over his lap straddling his hips resting on her knees. He rested his back against the headboard as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

He placed his hands long her thighs not helping but to caress her skin not at all shy about running his hands along her hips the feel of her lace panties definitely causing a stir of lust to run straight through him.

She spoke unable to stop herself from asking. “So did Dr. Mallard’s mood improve? Or was he in a bad mood all night?”

Jimmy groaned almost tempted to beg her not to mention his mentor while she was settled in his lap like this and his body was so easily responding to her. The last thing he wanted to think about was Dr. Mallard when he had her in his lap his pajama bottoms growing tight as he felt himself starting to get so hard for her. He was amazed she managed to work him up with so little effort on her part. She could get him all worked up and not even notice it was happening. He swallowed the lump in his throat resisting the urge. “He calmed down a little. It wasn’t too bad. We should finish up inventory Monday morning if there’s not a case to stop us.”

He spoke again before she had a chance to bring up Ducky again. “Did Abby and you have fun?”

Y/N took a deep breath not helping but to joke. “Yeah, but you might not let her take me out for another girls night ever again.”

She moved back giving them enough space to move her wrist between them. She pulled the bandage back exposing the reason behind her comment.

Jimmy widened his eyes completely thrown off by this. The tattoo wasn’t large, it was pretty small honestly. It wasn’t anything extravagant, black ink with nice shading work. It was such a simple design. A little crescent moon had been inked into her skin. This was unexpected.

“You got a tattoo?” Jimmy blurted out his eyes still wide as he took in the shock.

Y/N let out a soft sigh covering the tattoo knowing Abby had said she’d have to keep it covered for another hour at least. “It wasn’t planned. Abby’s tattoo artist owed her a favor and, yeah Abby let me cash in on the favor.

She took a deep breath having to wonder what he must think. Did he hate it? Was he pissed she had seemingly decided to go out and get a tattoo without letting him in on it?

She spoke again needing to explain it. “I’ve wanted it for a while. I actually was supposed to get in college, I had booked an appointment for it and everything. I was really excited about it but the guy I was dating at the time forbid me from doing it. So I never got to do it. Abby found out and told me she could make it happen.”

Jimmy snapped out of his shock a small frown crossing his features at the word “forbid” How had her ex forbid her from it? She was a grown woman. Why was her ex forbidding her from making a choice about her own body that wasn’t going to cause her any harm? 

He felt his stomach churn it hitting him that she probably was afraid he was about to act just like this ex of hers. She was probably terrified he was about to tell her he hated it and it was a mistake.

He wanted to kick himself as it hit him. 

He had just been so shocked. He guess he shouldn’t be surprised. She had gone out with Abby after all.

He spoke hoping he was expressing that he didn’t feel an ounce of disapproval over her choice. “What does it mean? I mean…is that a stereotypical question? I think I heard Abby say that people with tattoos hate it when you ask the meaning behind it. She told me it makes you sound really lame.”

Y/N snorted at this comment. “I don’t know if it makes people sound lame. I’ve only had a tattoo for a few hours now, so I don’t think I’m the authority on that. It’s kind of a stupid story. It’s for my mom though. She used to read to me every night…even when I was probably way too old to need her to read to me. I would make her read Goodnight Moon to me way too much. I think she could recite it from memory. So, I thought a moon would be a good way to sort of remind me of that memory. I was pretty young when she died…Only ten. It was a pretty vulnerable time in my life. Her reading to me is a good memory though. I guess I just wanted to keep the good memories close.”

Jimmy couldn’t stop the words from leaving him. “It’s beautiful….You don’t talk about your mom a lot. You talk about your grandparents and your brothers, but you don’t really mention your mom.”

He cringed at his own statement. He was one to speak a little voice in the back of his head taunted him. After all hadn’t he only spoken to Y/N about his grandmother, his mom, and his sister and niece. He’d avoided ever talking about his dad. Though he had a feeling his girlfriend avoided talking about her mom for an entirely different reason than the reason behind his avoidance of mentioning his dad.

Y/N cleared her throat thankfully not seeming to mind his comment. “I know. It was pretty traumatic, her death. My older brother was thirteen, I was ten, and my younger brother was barely a year old. My parents were in the middle of getting a divorce. My mom was struggling a lot. She’d dropped out of college when she met my dad, so she didn’t have many ways to make money on her own. It had been a while since she worked. She wound up working the night shift waitressing. She had a lot on her plate I think, being a single mom all the sudden and working so hard to keep us above water. My dad checked out, wasn’t interested in helping out. My mom was so exhausted all the time. She left for work one night and never came home. We didn’t know what happened until the police showed up on our front steps. There was a bad accident. A semi overturned and caused a pretty huge wreck. The truck driver was drunk. My mom wasn’t the only one who died. There was another fatality, another driver died. My dad came and gathered my brothers and I up and dropped us off with his parents. I had a hard time dealing with my grief for a while. I was a pretty angry kid for a long time. I got into a lot of trouble that first year. I had a hard time coping. I mean, my brother was pretty angry too…but I had a worse temper. My brother brooded but I lashed out. My grandfather was the only one who managed to connect with me. He helped me learn how to deal with my anger in a healthy way so I’d stop lashing out. He got me interested in science and in crime. He encouraged my interest in forensic science and I found something that I could pour all those negative feelings into.”

She paused a heavy sigh leaving her. “I didn’t want to think about her for a long time. I was angry with her to be honest…I think I was just angry at the world. I felt so unwanted. My mom was gone, my dad clearly didn’t want me around, and I was so angry that we were dropped off in the funeral home with my grandparents. It felt like we had her death hanging over us and we were surrounded by death. I learned to love being with my grandparents. I learned to like our home. I learned to stop seeing death as something cruel. I learned to just appreciate the fact that life is so brief and so beautiful. I realized that I couldn’t be angry about life ending. I just wanted to appreciate how beautiful and amazing it was that any of us even got the chance to live at all. It took a long time for me to be able to think about my mom without feeling hurt. My grandfather always tried to encourage me to focus on the good memories and not on her dying.”

She paused again unable to stop herself from saying it. “I do have to wonder what she’d think about how my life turned out; how she’d feel about my job and the person I’ve become.”

Jimmy felt the words leave him without any hesitation at all. “She’d be really proud of you. I know I didn’t know her, but I think she’d be proud of you. How could she not be proud of you? You turned out so wonderfully. You’re intelligent and beautiful and kind. You care so much about your family and your friends and me. You go above and beyond trying to take care of me. You are so passionate about your career. I think those are things she’d be so proud of.”

Y/N felt her eyes grow damp the conversation she’d had with Abby earlier tonight flashing through her mind. This was how Jimmy saw her. He didn’t see all the things she’d feared he would. She had to trust that this wouldn’t change if she told him the truth.

She let the words leave her knowing it was now or never. “I think I’ve done things she wouldn’t be proud of though. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. There’s things about me that are so…ugly. I know…I talked with Ducky a while back. He told me you admitted to him that you have your suspicions.”

Y/N paused taking a deep breath trying to calm herself and find the strength to say the words. “I haven’t really gone into details about the guys I’ve dated before you. I mean I talked a little about the most recent ex, but that wasn’t even the most painful relationship. It was just an aftereffect of something more painful.”

She cleared her throat refusing to allow her eyes to pull from his. She had to look at him in the eyes and say it. He deserved that. She was sick of being ashamed. “I dated this guy for a few years while I was in college. It got pretty bad…pretty abusive. It took a long time for me to even admit that it was that way. Conner was nice enough when we started dating, he worked hard to flatter me. He had a bad temper but he had a bad homelife growing up. It was something we connected on. Anytime I got wary of Conner’s temper he reminded me of how hard things were for him growing up. I felt guilty for ever wanting to break it off with him and I ignored all the red flags. He got pretty controlling. He was the boyfriend who forbid me from getting the tattoo. It went beyond that though. It was everything about me. He hated the way I dressed so I learned to cover my body because he said other guys looked at me. He hated my friends and he thought they were trying to break us up…So, I let him push them away. I was alone with him. 

She paused again still unwilling to look away from Jimmy relieved that his eyes hadn’t pulled from her as he listened intently. “Conner started to steal from me. He started to steal money from my wallet. He didn’t have a job and I had a scholarship and I had a trust set up by my father…I think my father felt guilty about abandoning me with his parents so he set up a trust for my brothers and me…Conner had his own money. His parents paid his way. I guess taking money from me was about control…or maybe he was just someone who liked to steal because he knew he could get away with it. I caught him going through my purse and he got violent when I called him out on it. He promised me it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. Pretty soon he started to beat me for no reason at all. I had no one to recognize what was happening. I knew deep down that it wasn’t okay, but he had this power over me I think. He knew all my insecurities and knew how to use them against me. Things finally changed when I went home to see my family for the holidays. Conner made me bring him along. I was surprised he wanted to go. My family could see what was going on. My older brother, Julian…he’s the one who called me out on it. It was one of the worst days of my life…seeing the pain on his face when he realized what was happening. He made me see that it wasn’t right. He wanted to kill Conner…I’m pretty sure he would have done it if he thought he could get away with it. He made me see that Conner was going to kill me if I didn’t leave him. He kicked Conner out, told him to never come back…I think my grandfather did most of that since he knew Julian would kill him if he let him. Julian drove me back to my campus, helped me settle into a new place, helped me file a restraining order against Conner. He made me promise him that I wouldn’t go back to Conner. He pretty much told me that no matter what Conner said he wasn’t going to change and Julian would never forgive me if I let Conner back in my life. He never tried…I was lucky he never tried. I know it could have ended in tragedy.”

Y/N took a deep breath as she spoke again deciding to just tell him the truth. “I wasn’t sure how to tell that story. I was afraid you’d see me the way I see myself when I think about the girl I used to be. I was so desperate for love…I was so starved for acceptance. It’s how most of my relationships have gone. I accept the love I think I deserve more often than not I let someone treat me like that and I didn’t have the spine to stop it. I thought I deserved it in a sick way. I felt like I wasn’t worth more than that. I think in a lot of ways that’s followed me….that feeling that I’m worthless. I was afraid you’d see me for what I am, damaged.”

Jimmy’s words took her by shock, knowing that there was only one thing he could say to her. There was only one thing he could say to make her understand. “You aren’t damaged. You aren’t worthless. If you’re worthless then that means my mother is worthless for letting my dad treat her the way Conner treated you. I know for a fact that my mother isn’t worthless.”

Y/N widened her eyes it all clicking into place. Jimmy had never mentioned his dad other than saying he’d died when Jimmy was ten. He seemed so closed off about his father. She’d not pressed him on it getting the sense that it must be painful for him to recall it. She hadn’t guessed it could be this painful.

Jimmy took a deep breath needing to explain it all. “He was, my dad was a bad person. He resented my mom. She got pregnant with my sister when they were in high school. They both came from well off families and they were pretty much pushed into marriage. He was a mean bastard most of the time. I would blame it on the booze, but he was mean even when he was sober. He lashed out at everyone in his life, even his own mother. I think some people just have bad souls…His was rotten. He was pretty violent with my sister and me too…my mom took the brunt of most of the beatings though. When he was at the bar it was a good night. He’d stay out all night and we were safe. When he was home though he made it feel like a nightmare. He got into a fight one night at one of his favorite bars…there was a gun and…you can guess what happened. When he died I didn’t feel sad…I just felt relieved. I hated him, even when I was a kid I hated him so much. When he died I felt like we were finally free. He was finally gone. I didn’t have to worry about him hurting us anymore. We were better off without him.”

He felt his throat grow tight he having never told that story to anyone before other than a therapist his mother had made him see after his father had died. He spoke again the words falling from him. “I still hate him, he’s dead and buried and I hate him. I promised myself I would do whatever it takes to never be anything like him. The first time I drank I was so scared, I thought I’d turn into him if I even took a sip of beer. I was so relieved when my friend told me I was just a happy drunk…there was no trace of my dad in me. People like my dad, like Conner…they only know how to hurt people. The pain they cause, it’s not a reflection of us. We aren’t damaged just because someone hurt us. They’re the damaged ones, not us.”

Y/N hadn’t even realized the tears were falling until Jimmy pulled her against him he rocking her against him guilt clouding his mind. Maybe this was the wrong way to respond to this? Had he made her trauma all about him? He couldn’t stop himself though, he had to make her see it. He had to tell her that they weren’t damaged.

He shushed her against him as she clutched onto him so tight it almost hurt. 

He was taken by shock as she finally spoke her voice muffled and soft against his neck. “Thank you.”

He furrowed his brow not expecting this. He’d been so terrified he’d just made things worse and now she was thanking him.

She pulled back her cheeks still damp with tears. “I was afraid you’d stop wanting me if you knew.”

“I could never not want you. Not even for a second.” Jimmy was fast to reassure her.

“That’s probably saving your life…Abby was offering to plan your murder.” She admitted.

She cringed at the words and her attempt to make a joke. “I told her tonight…I’ve just been carrying it around in me for a while. I guess I just needed to get all my fears out. I didn’t intend to tell her before I told you…I never intended to tell anyone, but I just, I had to tell the truth. She said you’d stick around even after I told you the truth. She said if you didn’t she would kill you. I don’t think she was joking.”

Jimmy nodded his head a weak smile crossing his lips. “I’m pretty sure she wasn’t joking. I’ve heard the threat about killing people without leaving a trace of forensic evidence behind. She seems way too sure of herself for it to just be bullshit.”

Y/N was surprised by the laugh that left her she feeling lighter than she’d felt in a while.

Jimmy pulled her back against him she resting her head against the nape of his neck. They sat in silence for a long while soaking up one another’s embrace and the weight of what had been said tonight lifting from them both.

She spoke her voice soft. “I’m sorry, about…I’m sorry you had to talk about your dad.”

“You don’t have to apologize. You should know. It would be impossible for me to keep it from you forever.” He admitted knowing it was the truth. If they had any future together his dad would have to come up eventually.

She spoke again her voice so soft. “Anytime you mention your childhood you make it sound so happy. I never thought.”

She paused unable to finish the statement. 

Jimmy spoke, nodding his head, his grip on her still close. “It was happy after he died. My mom got us all into therapy. We learned to cope. We were happy, we were safe.”

He spoke again needing to say the words. “We aren’t worthless or damaged.”

She spoke surprised it was so easy to find the words. “It’s going to take me a long time to see myself that way. I want to see myself the way you see me.”

“I know, we can just take it one day at a time. That’s all you can do. I never want you to doubt how amazing I find you. I never want you to see yourself as being broken or not worth good things. It’s not just me that sees you that way. You’ve always been that way. You have so many people who see it. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you see it too.”

He pulled back from her his hand resting against her cheek his words so sincere it took her breath away. “I love you. Nothing about who you are or who you’ve been will ever change that.”

“I love you too.” The words spilled from her with no hesitation. 

She allowed his lips to press to hers finding it so easy to sink into his kisses and the promises behind them. He was promising her that he wasn’t going anywhere and she believed him. 

He was right. She wasn’t damaged. One day she’d be able see exactly what he saw every time he looked at her.


End file.
